I want to tell you a story about shame. Or more accurately what’s just beyond shame. And what’s just beyond that...
But first off, I just want to say thank you. I just want to thank you for being goofy, fun, playful, shy, sacred, powerful you.
Seriously. Your being is so affirming for me.
So having worked the with whispers of shame and self criticism for much of my life...
having those mental patterns carried so often that my brain makes it so easy to go there...
I want to share an insight with you that I have been circling and circling but have just reached into the heart of today. .
I wonder if part of the magic we bring as we open our voices and realize how to get what we want in our lives (through law of attraction and devotion ) is that we are also aware of the sacred context of the surrender to the whole that benefits everyone. ..
Surrender to the god/dess energy that holds our wishes and manifestations is the sacred container in which personal power is realized.
I think this is the next leading edge. It is the wisdom of the feminine merging with the masculine and it’s here for us now.
Personal power, so important, only really matters in the context of the heathy whole.
Otherwise, as my beautiful friend Julie says, our manifestations are shallow and empty.
Ultimately those manifestations are not satisfying or lasting because they don’t REALLY matter to us.
You get to want what you want. You really do. But ultimately what you want is a SYMBOL for you to grow into who you want to BE. You get to have both, and, more than you ever could have imagined. . .
In my dance today ... a place where I connect with my sacred and inner being ... a practice I highly recommend for home and in community ...
I was asking the universe for delight.
Melissa Michaels, founder of the Movement Mass in Boulder, asked the large, 100 person group, “What are you present to?” and I happened to be there as the microphone passed by me and I happened to say “gratitude.”
And then, shortly after, I felt an old familiar feeling arising in me ... shame.
Shame at being the one right there just then who got the privilege of amplification 😭 couldn’t be more perfect excavation for me to work with on this day. I know this pattern, it’s been with me my whole life. My brain has rehearsed it one million times.
Then Melissa asked, “And why did you come here today?”
And I responded internally, “Knowing this pattern of shame and not enough-ness so well, I am hearing it within me again now and I am so ready to stop rehearsing this pathway in my brain. How?”
And what happened next... just WOW.
As we moved into noticing each body part in warm up I let my hair cover my face, palms on the floor, knees crouched as if that could somehow hide me, and I let the tears come. Feeling my toes and the soft material covering my knees. Breath in my body.
Noticing my tears, a sweet container holder, Lea, came up and danced gently next to me. She said, “Is there a big story?” And I said no, “I’m just feeling a lot of shame.” Laughing. Crying. Crying some more. Moving dancing feeling being. Small. Being with.
And then Lea whispered the most profound thing... “The shame is just protecting you from grief. Just sweep sweep the shame and self criticism out and feel the grief.“
... big out breath ... like the wind blowing this shame to the corners of my mind it got out of the way and I could feel . . 🍃
And the tears flowed. . .
“It’s okay to make sound...”
And sobbed ...
And then as my dear teacher microphone holder arrived and danced with us for a moment I felt my heart open and I said, “my beloved ... “
And they flowed. . .
And Lea said “yes through the grief, we open to and access love.”
And then and there - CLICK!
My brain has a new pathway! I grew a new connection today! And I practiced it for the hour and now I’m strenthing it by telling everyone and you!
I swept the shame, I felt the grief and let that grief unravel to see the scintillating beauty of meeting my living heart exactly where I am. The beauty of living - wow!
Mmmm the result is almost indescribable.
I found a sweet spot in meeting my heart here. A new one. Oh my goddess. Divine.
A new contact and knowing trust. It is ok for me to cry my sweet tears of beauty and energy moving as long as I need to and let those tears clear my path to the raw, expansive, awakened, crystal clear beauty of living in this heart of mine. Tears are welcome. Tears are not a symbol of something being wrong. Tears are just tears. Clearing cleansing sacred beautiful tears. Amen!
So loving, as different from falling the habitual pattern of pity / self pity shame spiral.
Feeling the trueness, weeping into the beauty of beloved.
My tears are a gateway to my expansive heart. Grief - real, living grief, is a gateway to beauty.
Totally not what I expected, surprised at my vulnerability, impressed by my strength to stay with myself and not shut it down for fear of being seen in my unraveling. Mmmm yes! What a privilege to have the heart (courage) to Go To Such Depths.
Grateful for my sister mentors opening the path for me, excited to continue this incredible tradition....
Thank you for reading. Please know that your tears are welcome with me. Please know that I will see them not as a symbol that something is wrong, like so many do... I see them as cleansing rain for soft soils. I see them as the curtain to your heart and I see them as the pathway to love.
Ps. My joy comes in the giving and the receiving. Please share a comment with me below. Let me know you’re there. Let me know how you think and feeling.